Here ye! Here ye! Let it be know that the occupants of my womb have received their official notice of eviction. You heard it! You fellas got 30 days to pack your bags, make like a fetus and head out………..or, in your case, butt out.
Listen up, babies, it’s been a real slice of Heaven havin’ you bouncin’ around, drop kicking my pancreas and uppercutting my lungs but, truth be told, you two are getting chubby, rotund and HEAVY and honestly, you’re starting to make everyday tasks a little less than comfortable now. Everytime my shoe comes untied I have to tromp through the house searching for your dad, hoping he’ll lend a hand instead of trying to strike a bargain. “I’ll tie your shoes but I will require you to spoon feed me my dinner”. ALSO, I’ve recently developed some sort of horrendous, blotchy, itchiness on my belly called PUPPP, which is not nearly as cute as it sounds…now, I don’t know if this has anything to do with you two and I don’t want to point fingers but this rash didn’t show up until you did so let’s just stick all niceties aside and call a spade a spade, shall we folks? YOU’VE WREAKED THIS HAVOC UPON ME!!
In other news, I have discovered what I believe to be a stretch mark……right by my belly button…….or rather, the stumpy mound of flesh that is passing for my belly button these days. A week ago I had a dream. I HAD A DREAM!! And that dream was that my body and your bodies could live in piece, as one, with no stretch marks but sadly, you seem to have overstepped our silent treaty and ripped a wrinkly crevice across my abdomen and, like cockroaches and homeless people, where there’s one, there’s more. Did I cry? Did I weep? Did I stand nude in front of my full length mirror and sob in vain, my fist shaking at the heavens, my belly jiggling like a Jell-O mold? Perhaps. But the moment to mourn has passed and I’ve been able to accept my grief and move on, finding joy in other things, like oragami and decapage.
Earlier in the week your dad and I packed you and I’s hospital bags and wrote out our Birth Plan. I feel like it’s kind of a waste of time but just in case……I suppose it can’t hurt. That said, I question how much the nurses level of animosity goes up when you whip out a page of instructions regarding how to take care of a baby. If cancer taught us one thing it’s that people in the medical profession do not like to be questioned or second guessed by mere mortals. They’ve gone to school! They’ve read books! They’ve watched Grey’s Anatomy!! What have we done? We’ve played Operation once or twice and the game always buzzes us…
We also took our maternity tour at the hospital you’ll be delivered in. The facility is new and very nice but they don’t have internet. (The internet is a place you spend all of your free time and most of your day at work). Some boardroom committee seriously dropped the ball on that one. Noobs. As a consolation prize, however, we get an aromatherapy moist towelette every morning to wipe ours hands with and mandatory “tea time” everyday between 2-3. YAY! Tea time and moist towlettes!! It’s just like brunch on the ol’ ranch! Thanks, Kaiser! You’re the best. Who needs Facebook and email and the ability to send pictures to friends and family that live across the country? Who needs to stay busy over the course of 4 days while I lay there, feeding my sucklings like hungry piglets. Not I! Not I!!
The tour guide also told us that the rooms were installed with OnDemand TV. SCORE!! If we can’t stream our Netflix at least we can watch anything we want…ON DEMAND!! What’s that Tour Guide? Oh, it’s not the real OnDemand? It’s just a bunch of videos that run on loop for 24 hours a day about circumcision and breast feeding? No thanks. If I wanted to watch Faces of Death I would’ve just rented it.
Plus side of all this? Since we’re having twins we get to have the BIG post partum room. ALRIGHT!! Now we can sit around in silence and the clock ticking noise will have a tinny echo! HOORAY!!
Finally, we installed your car seats! I think this might be the single most frightening dose of reality that we have experienced thus far on this journey with you. We took a trip to the fire station to have them check out our handy work on the install but sadly they no longer offer that courtesy. Looks like you’re at the mercy of dear ol’ Mom and Dad’s handy work……….may God be with you.
See you in 30 days!