Today was the HSG – our final step before we can start the real meat and potatoes part of the IVF cycle.
For weeks now I have been dreading this appointment. I have heard horror story after horror story and have been bracing myself for pain the likes of which I have never experienced before.
We show up at the radiology office at 8:00am sharp because the HSG Nazi lady that scheduled the appointment was very insistent that we HAD to be prompt. So prompt we were. After filling out the usual paperwork and paying for the test we had a seat in the waiting room and began twiddling our thumbs. As also instructed by above mentioned Nazi, I took my Motrin and Valium at 7:00am – exactly one hour prior to my appointment so I would feel as little pain as possible. So there we sat waiting…….and waiting……..and waiting. Finally at 9:00am the man-child decided to go up to the front desk to start storming the gates. The “scheduler” lady informed us that an error had been made and the tech and doctor were NOT there. She then suggested that we could come back at 2:30pm. Not really possible as John had to go back to work and I needed a driver since I was hopped up on happy pills.
Finally after quite a bit of apologizing for their incompetence the HSG Nazi lady said that the tech and doctor were on their way and that they would be able to fit us in in half an hour.
However, at this point my happy pills were starting to wear off and I had no reinforcements! The horrible HSG Nazi lady said we were pretty much up Sh!ts Creek and I would just have to tough it out or reschedule. There was NO WAY that I was going to reschedule this. So I asked John to fetch me a large shot of whiskey and the biggest biting stick he could find on short notice. We were going to kick this old school.
30 minutes later I found myself in an ass less robe with my legs up in some sort of weirdo knee stirrup things (this is fun and new) while staring at the ceiling. The sweet little radiologist-side-kick lady asks me if I’m nervous. I just smile and say no and then resume hyperventilating as quietly as possible.
The doctor finally gets in the room and immediately gets right down to “business”. She’s one of these chatty types that likes to narrate her every move. I’m sure she finds it less surprising for patients, however, I prefer to operate on a strict “need to know only” basis. So as she continues to narrate while navigating God only knows what through my goods she says the dreaded words of ALL doctors, “you might feel some discomfort now”. At this point I start muttering some sort of prayer and brace myself for the excruciating pain.
But……..it doesn’t come.
She then mutters something about inserting the dye and that some patients complain of discomfort from this. I again start praying to my maker and bracing for THE excruciating pain.
But………it doesn’t come.
What. The. Hell.
Dr. Narration then whips the monitor around to show me two very “beautiful” and OPEN fallopian tubes spilling hazardous radioactive waste into my stomach cavity.
She then went on to compliment me on my nice pelvis (that’s a first) and my belly button ring. 🙂
So……………………..long story short. This HSG business was easy peesy mac and cheesy and literally took 5 minutes from start to finish. Why was it pain free you ask?????? Maybe it was because I decided to wear my lucky socks this morning.
I don’t know. Whatever the reasons, I’ll take it!
And to prove it, here’s a photo of me minutes after the procedure giving the classic sign for “it’s all good in the hood”. Would this face lie?
Tomorrow we start Lupron!