What’s Behind Door #2

I love insurance companies. They give me something to focus all of my hatred and animosity on. Sometimes I sit in my living room, surrounded by candles, listening to whale music and I concentrate all of my anger into a little ball and I imagine that little ball floating down the street and silently bobbing into the lobby of Insurance Company X and then…….release. The windows explode and the doors blow off the hinges and the roof collapses in on itself and anyone who has ever made a decision based on money and never considered the human factor is killed (not immediately) in the disaster. The people that are employed there only to feed their families but hate their jobs and cry themselves to sleep everynight for the monstrous things they are asked to do don’t get killed…….but they do get maimed; broken legs and arms and things and you know what? Their insurance doesn’t cover disastrous acts. Afterward I laugh maniacally all by myself. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! And then I make a hot cocoa and watch reruns of Boy Meets World.

Right now you’re saying to yourself, “OMG, that was exceptionally violent and more than a touch disturbing.” To this I say, “Absolutely true. It has a name and it’s called Just Desserts.”

Insurance companies and their affiliates are soulless, money gobbling, fat-cat, self involved, gloat-gloating bastards; the enemies of the world.

Our insurance doesn’t cover children (IVF). Children, they say, are elective, like having the fat sucked from your ass and injected into your lips. They are a choice (and to this all the abortion doctors say ho-ho-ho!). After paying thousands and thousands of dollars into these companies we say, “We need money for this,” and we point to stomach and insurance company says, “We hold onto money. We say big no. We keep it for later”.

To these people, having children is something you could live without. The difference between a need and a want. All I can think is that the person who okay’d that clause already has a house full of children they get to go home to every night after telling people like us that our money is no good for that.

The violence is buzzing in my brain again and the bile is rising in my throat and I am pushing it back, trying to get to the funny parts of this…..oh, HERE IT IS!

Okay, so, the cost of one broken condom: .75
The cost of one baby attempt via IVF: $16,000.00 (or the biggest condom you’ve ever seen).

A hefty chunk of change no matter which way you split it, this much is true. That said, we’ve taken the opportunity to put things into some perspective. Let us present to you:

THINGS YOU COULD BUY IF YOU DIDN’T TRY TO FRANKENSTEIN YOUR OWN BABY!!!!

$16,000.00 will buy you…..

1 round of IVF (in vitro fertilization) with ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection) OR………..

1 2009 Pontiac Vibe

64 Nintendo Wii systems

78.4 years of a 3 DVD Netflix subscription.

80 Apple iPhones

1,390 movie tickets. This means we could BOTH see a movie EVERY DAY for 1.9 years

2,000 Starbucks visits

4,819 gallons of gas. Geographically we could drive around the WORLD (including oceans) just over 5 times

16,000 Burger King Rodeo Cheeseburgers. Enough to eat 1 cheeseburger a day for 44 years

32,000 games of Miss Pac-man. I could play one game a day for 87.6 years (or until I die)

42,666 cans of delicious Diet Coke. That means Jade could quench her thirst 3 times a day for the next 38.9 years (and she probably will regardless)

Are you as nauseous as we want to be?

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