Monthly Archives: May 2009

oh shoot, it’s PATRICK AND MOLLY!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

STUPID MACHINE!

I had about half a page of this blog written and was about ready to start inserting some photos and I hit the backspace key to erase something (what else would the backspace key do?) AND IT BACKSPACED ME A PAGE AND WHEN I CAME BACK ALL MY MEANINGLESS DRIVEL WAS GONE!!!

So now I’m starting from friggin’-A scratch.

Sometimes machines make me crazy. Sometimes robots make me crazy. Sometimes if I don’t take my medication I get crazy.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

So “Patrick and Molly and all the small things” is in the can. I hate it when people say “in the can”. There are certain film terms that I just can’t stand and “in the can” is one of them. It really has nothing to do with the fact that it sounds like you’re about to put it in the pooper, I just don’t like it. You’ll never hear me say it. Ever. Unless I’m talking to my wife.

Somehow I feel like an imposter, sitting here and rewriting the same stupid jokes that I’d written before my computer ate my draft. Oh well.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Many of you perhaps……or none of you mayhap…….are wondering what the mysterious Patrick and Molly look like? Will they be played by llamas? Are they caucasian, asian? Are they ragin’ and pagin’? Do they like to text? Will they text message you?

Maybe.

Let me introduce them.

PATRICK. Inventor. Last in his class (almost) and lovin’ it.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

MOLLY. Photographer. Is scared of bird flu.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

man oh man. What beautiful people. Let’s look at a few photos of them pretending to be a young married couple, shall we?

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

There were no problems on set. There really weren’t. EVERYTHING went smooth. VERY smooth. Ex-lax smooth. We’d planned for everything and everyone did their piece of the pie and the invention worked like clockwork. This neither makes for good drama OR comedy so I’m sorry. I’m sorry no one got burned by a light. I’m sorry an actor wasn’t in a car crash on the way to set. I’m sorry my house didn’t burn down and I’m sorry no one crapped their pants. This last bit happened to a friend of mine once…..

…….he was at work at went to the bathroom to drain the main vein. When he put the salamy mommy back into his shorts he accident released a bit of leftover urine and it soaked through his pants, creating a wet spot about the size of three quarters. He called his boss from the men’s room and told him he had to go home. He’d had a wardrobe malfunction.

True story.

There were no wardrobe malfunctions on set…..unless you count this:

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

I’ll probably begin editing the pieces in about two to three weeks and then we’ll begin posting them online about once a week or something like that.

OH WAIT!!! I DID just think of something that happened on set…

We had to leave the house for one of the setups when Patrick is stranded somewhere due to a flat tire. Poor fool. So we drove down the street about six blocks to this real industrial neighborhood.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

So we were shooting next to Jade’s and mine…..Jade’s and my car…..the car that belongs to Jade and myself – our Pontiac Vibe – when we saw these two Volksvagoons.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Jade suggested using one of them as the prop car rather than our own – just have Patrick stand next to it, we’ll fire a few shots off and roll out……so we did….

…and then we heard this deep rusty voice say, “DON’T TOUCH MY CAR!”

…and we all looked around and no one knew where it was coming from so we just proceeded.

And then another rumbling and this drunken bum – someone who certainly could have played a Santa Clause type character emerged from the trash heap that was his home across the street. No shirt (no pants?) and sticks his head out from between two wrought iron gates and says, “DON’T TOUCH MY CAR!”

Matt – our cameraman – speaks up and asks if we can just shoot here if we don’t touch his car. The brute tells us that we can but if we touch his car he’ll come out and “bash our skulls in”.

He was pleasant.

We came back, unscathed, had some dinner and finished off the day.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

I really like the above photo of Matt, Scott and Vanilla Ice.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Anyway, that’s that. I don’t really know what else to say. I was CERTAIN I would have tons and tons and tons of things to say once I got going but really…..that’s about it.

I’m just going to take these photos and lay them in one after the other for your viewing pleasure.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Here’s me pretending to be creative. Please don’t judge me because my pointer finger looks like it belongs on The Penguin.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Blurry people doing things.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

A real life Ryan Reyes playing real life Super Mario Bros. We turned the system on and everyone was drawn to it like flies. Everyone was telling him where the secrets were, “jump here – jump there! Go down THAT pipe!”

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Girls don’t like video games. Girls like doing bills and washing dishes.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

This is Ryan being a creepy pedophile looking character…I didn’t write this.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Givin’ a fist bump to The Fist.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Lacy’s torso, Nellie and Serrone our sound guy (pronounced Sir-ownee, like macaroni). This one time I was digging around in the fridge, searching for a refreshing beverage when he asked me for a Diet Coke. I gave him one. He said I should probably give him two because he was really thirsty. I gave him two but thought, “man, it’s going to get warm fast – you should really just leave it in the fridge”. But he’s a grown man, he can do what he wants with his own soda. So we kept shooting and wrapped the set about five minutes later. Once we’d cleared out I noticed two empty Diet Coke cans on the stove. This guy knew how to drink the DC and I respect him for that.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Second to last setup of the final day. The last time I was in a bathtub filled with men I was in college and experimenting.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Final setup. We’d all taken an ice cream sandwich break just before this. Gotta keep everyone happy!…..actually, there’s a chemical in ice cream that makes people happy. It’s called Terramagestarin. It affects your brain.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Two editors pretending they’re not editors.

And THAT…….is all. That’s everything. These photos, plus possibly a few more will end up on the JRP website shortly as will the videos once they’re completed, so stay tuned for that.

Oh yeah – and that nightshift job I told you about – the one that wanted me to start IMMEDIATELY and I said no, no, no because I had to shoot Patrick and Molly? Well I got it!

Who says you can’t have your cake and eat it too?

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

All that and a bag of C.H.I.P.S.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

I have a dream.

And that dream is me floating around on a marshmallow cloud, riding a unicorn, eating popsicles, listening to music created by garden gnomes.

I also have a nightmare.

And my nightmare is that one day Erik Estrada would come into my life and try to steal my wife.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Notice, if you will, the way he has his beefy latino arm all up in my wife’s biznuss while I stand there like some fruitcake with a poodle. Look at that dumb dog – she’s just staring right into the camera.

And the worst part is, she’s bought into his game! Look at her blurry gaze, staring deep into his Mexico face, reaching up with her hooked fingers to claw at his throbbing man breast. He’s using his B-list celebrity power to hypnotize her. She wants it – she wants nothing more than to wrap her arms around his dark hips and stick her fingers in his shaved naval while he cruises down the highway on his hog.

She desires to live dangerously.

And what can I offer her? A shirt with a lion on it? I probably won’t even technically be a man for another five to eight years. I JUST GOT MY FIRST PUBIC HAIR!!!

How did this happen??? How did I find myself in this situation? Why does my wife love the salsa rojo so much?

I can only tell you what I know.

It all started with THIS GUY:

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

This is Jade’s “boss”. He’s the photographer she works with and this is his first foray into the world of movie making. He’s one rude, crude dude with a taste for danger and a charming smile.

Here’s Sean riding a homemade dolly as a skateboard. He is awesome.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Travis – the guy on the far right, the guy that owned the dolly – was like, “Hey dooood, watch it – that took me a while to make”. Man, I wish I could’ve made it……but now Erik Estrada was going to be making it with my WIFE. Where was the white C.H.I.P when you needed him – the tortilla chip? I needed someone to come in and show this punk a thing or two.

I went over and tried to be friendly. Tried to show some hospitality. Tried to tell him, yes, Mr. E, you can eat anything from the craft service table and I’d even be happy to grab you a water or juice but puh-lease keep your greasy nubbins off of my wife’s greasy nubbins.

He laughed right in my face.

I laughed back but I didn’t really know why – just being polite, I guess.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

So, when he turned around, I flexed my big-azz muscles – RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE BACK OF HIS HEAD!!!!!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

LOOK AT HIM GETTING READY TO CRY! Oh, boo-hoo, I’m just a big baby. He’s lucky I didn’t give him the donkey punch-a-rino right then and there.

I went to consult with Sean and Jeremy and the 16 foot monster truck they’d brought in for the shoot – it also transforms into a giant robot. LOOK AT THAT FRIGGIN’ THING! I’m the same height as the wheel! The guy who drives it has some strange sort of little man malfunction that keeps him up at nights. Just kidding – it’s actually just made out of styrofoam.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

They said not to worry about it. They said they’d already taken care of the situation. They’d already disconnected his brakes. They were going to make sure their movie got big – the last thing Estrada ever did – now only on youtube.

Brilliant. These guys play dirty and I loved it.

I smugly walked over to where Erik was talking to my wife……..AGAIN. I get up there and he says, “hey – you look like that bee-a-U-tiful actress – what’s her name?”

I say, “Kate Winslet. She gets it all the time.”

And he says, “She just won an Oscar.”

And I say, “Kate Winslet – she was in that movie with Leonoardo Dicaprio – Revolutionary Road”

And he says, “Revolutionary Road….with Leo Dicaprio”

And I say, “Yeah…that’s the one”

Jade blushes and whispers in my ear, “do you think he’ll sign my boobs?”

That was it. I’d had just about enough. I tossed my banshee she-wife into the backseat and burned out, hit the stupid curb, made a fool out of myself and went home, gripping the steering wheel in anger.

The last picture I have in my mind of EE is this:

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Ol’ Erika E. sitting there, crying on the ground because I stole his trophy. Sorry DOOOOD – you’re gonna have to bag your own beeyatch. This is LA and NOBODY messes with The B.

NOBODY!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Eat your hearts out.

Peace.