JUST started my third round of chemo. The train has left the station. The plane is going down. Thought I’d squeeze in my final farewell (boo-hoo, I’m a nanny-boy) before final blastoff.
To start off with I’d like to present Exhibit A:
Me with friend Matt (Matt is his real name) at a place called Kay and Dave’s. They serve Mexican food and it’s really weird and delicious there. The waiters are ALL Mexican and they ALL speak broken English but understand it PERFECTLY. They’ll never misunderstand an order.
And I mean ever.
Anyway, milk soothes my tender tummy and sore throat so I’ve been drinking a bunch of it…………..incidentally, I’ve been drinking tons of Gatorade so my calcium levels are like…through the roof. The next thing you know I’m going to have to to pass a big, sharp kidney stone down my slender urethra. (Not overly slender, just regular in general slender).
So we’re at this restaurant and some nice seniorita is taking our drink orders and everyone is ordering ice tea and diet cokes and it comes to me and I go, “Do you have milk?” And the woman kind of laughs at my cute, child-like antics and says, “Yes” and so I order the milk and then Matt tells this funny story but I can’t remember it, only laughing with everyone.
So a little bit later this GUY comes over. And this GUY is not the chick from before. And he’s passing out all the drinks and it comes down to this one final cup. It’s like a little kids cup in Styrofoam and it’s got a baby lid and a wacky bendy straw in it and the guy goes, “Sorry, I thought this was for a little kid”.
And I think, “Yeah, that’s right, you’d BETTER go put it in a Big Boy Glass.
Hey, speaking of wet things, check out this other crazy story. So I’m sitting at the hospital – I’m there right now – and they call me and some little girl says, “Hi, this is dietary, can I take your lunch and dinner order for tomorrow?
Well, since this is our third round of chemo, we pretty much know what to expect and we expect the hospital food to look like somebody just pulled it out of a garbage disposal or a cat’s stomach so we don’t eat it, we just eat out.
BESIDES ALL THAT they brought us some ice tea and just by happenstance the ice tea was really good.
Well they didn’t give us near enough. We wanted more, more, MOOOORE! So when they called to ask me what I wanted for lunch and dinner, I told them I wanted six ice teas for lunch and a second six for dinner, hahahahahahahahah.
Thirdly and least importantly, I’ve been feeling pretty good. PRETTY good. Like, too tired to actually play basketball, but not tired enough to dress up like I wanted to.
I only wore them for a little bit though because I got chilly.
Tonight we’re ordering stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut and my weirdo wife is ordering hamburger pizza and she just keeps saying, “Hamburger…hamburger….. hamburger” into the phone. And then she says, “What do you mean ‘you don’t have hamburger?’”
What fartin’ pizza place DOESN’T HAVE HAMBURGER???
Well a guy in the background goes, “We have hamburger. We have beef”.
And the guy on the phone goes, “Oh, I guess we’ve got beef” and my wife laughs, “Well, honey, beef IS hamburger”.
OK, two more stories and then I’m out like the gout. The first one is about good news and the second one is about a true supernatural encounter.
They took my blood. I didn’t want to give it to them (I’ve been dealing with my needle phobia slowly and think I’m STARTING to get over it) but they took it by force. One male nurse sat on my face and another one tied down my legs and these two huge black guys each had to restrain my arms and I just kept making groaning sounds.
After that they tested it and told me that my HCG levels – you’ll remember this from previous blogs. HCG is short for the cancer markers in your blood. Last time they checked it had dropped from around 950 to about 7.7.
Today, now, we reside at .6 This is good news.
The second story – okay. So last night my wife, pictured here (just kidding) mother and mother-in-law left me alone to suffer the dangers of the hospital myself. I was lying in the dark (alone, like I said) and I was sort of half thinking and half praying and I was like, “OK God, I’d really like for an angel to just visit me right now. It would be so cool if one just fluttered into my room and either sat on the edge of my bed or just lurked in the corner. If you sent it down I’d tell everyone and ask it some questions.
NOT A THING HAPPENED!!!!!!
I just laid there (alone) in the dark.
This morning (before my family showed up) some volunteer brought in breakfast and set it down on my desk. I didn’t feel like getting up so it just sat there.
About an hour later my family showed up. My mom walked in first and saw my breakfast tray. She walks over and picks up this small piece of paper and says, “Who gave you this?” and hands it to me.
In my hands is a card and on the cover of the card it says, “THE LORD IS NEAR TO YOU”
Where did THAT come from???
Hey, have you ever noticed that it’s I before E except after C unless it’s in the word “weird” then the rule is weird?
THAT’S IT!!!! See ya next time.
Okay, just wait. There IS one more story and this one is G-O-O-D. So last night my mother-in-law and wife went home and decided to try some gardening in the dark. Well, my wife’s flowers are dying like they always are and so my mother-in-law dug her hand into the soil to see how deep the water went down and she thought the dirt felt clumpy and strange so she began to crumble it up in her hand to check consistency. Okay. And then she looked down and it was my dog Clementine’s TURD!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!!!!!!