johnny be bald

I was peeing the other day and felt a lump on my testicle.

Oh no…

I went to the doctor and he felt the lump and didn’t know what it was so he sent me to a specialist – a urologist.

I went there today – on my birthday.

The urologist told me to pull down my pants and underwear. I just kept thinking, “I hope he doesn’t try and give me an oral exam…..”

I told him it was a little touchy, a little tender. He started to squeeze and I said, “whoa – I said tender”.

He tells me his ultra sound guy is in and he wants to give me the once over so I follow him into a room where a little Indian (India Indian, not Native American) man stands in a white lab coat.

In his thick Indian / Apu from the Simpson’s accent he says to me, “Please pull down your pants and underwear and sit up here”.

He pats the table with the white paper and I drop em and hop up.

He picks up my weiner and says, “Here, hold this, but don’t pull on it”. I’m not sure what he means, but I comply.

He says, “I’m going to apply the jelly” and as he’s lubing me up for the procedure, I say, “Hey man, you’ve got the best seat in the house”.

He smiles, but not because he thinks it’s funny. He smiles because he’s a polite Indian man.

He starts rubbing the laser gun all over me and I’m watching the screen and I’ve got the urge to shout, “Is it a boy or a girl – NO WAIT! – don’t tell me, I don’t wanna know!” but decide against it. I don’t think he’ll get it.

He takes a bunch of black and white photos of my testicle, tells me to wipe myself off and go wait in Room 3.

The doctor comes in and tells me I’ve got a tumor and the testicle has to go.

CANCER?

But I don’t even smoke……ALTHOUGH, I HAVE suspected that my testicle has been sneaking cigarettes with my butthole for quite some time now….

I’m thinking, “These things happen to friends of my friends – these things happen to people I don’t know. These things don’t happen to ME.

GOOD NEWS – 98% survivability. APPARENTLY, if you’re going to have cancer, this is the one to go with. Brain, liver, stomach, skin, bones – testicle is the one you WANT!

AND I GOT IT!

WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!

Tell em what he’s won, Johnny!

You’ve WON……A NEW CAR!……Truthfully, Announcer Guy, I really could have went for the winning lottery ticket or Ed McMahon’s giant cardboard check. Heck, I would have settled for a used toaster oven to be honest…

I spent some time this morning being very angry. Angry at lots of different things. But now I’m sort of feeling like……really this is more of a nuisance than anything – I just want to get back to……….normal. I’m hoping we can just move through this and have it exit our lives as quickly as it entered.

I plan to talk about it and write about it and say it’s name:

TESTICULAR CANCER.

Say it with me. If we don’t say it, if we treat it like a secret, it gains power over us – like Voldemort – and that, friends and neighbors, will not be happening this year.

MORE GOOD NEWS – next year’s birthday has GOT to be better.

Now listen – I don’t want sympathy – sympathy implies that we’ve lost.

I want battle cries……cuz we’re gonna scalp this bitch.

You are not welcome here.