JOHN McCAIN’S LAST THOUGHT. CHAPTER 16

A VULGAR DISPLAY OF POWER

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John McCain flies Bernie’s rented jet as high as he can, circling it up further and further into the sky. John has lit a cigarette and squints against it in the fading light. “Where are you, you bastard?”

If he knew anything about people, and he thinks he did, he’d imagine that Kim would be sending that missile straight towards Mar a Lago. He was going to want to make sure Trump sees it loud and clear. He probably even painted a little message on the front of it for him. People sometimes did that.

Arriving high above Mar a Lago, he begins to loop wide circles around the area, waiting, hoping, to catch eye of the missile when his fuel-light suddenly fires on. “Shit.” It had been a while since he’d flown and he’d forgotten the basics. Good thing he didn’t plan to land the thing.

Hours pass and still no sign of the missile. The gas light is now dangerously low but he knows he can’t touch ground. He knows that he has to stay. He knows that he has to give it his all. He knows this is it. He knows there is no take two. He knows there is no place for him to refill and jump back up. He knows this is not how this works. He knows he is in enemy territory.

He looks down and sees the swampy marshland pressed up against the sea and for a moment he’s back in Vietnam. “No.” He shakes his head and snaps back. “I’m not there. I’m here. I’m here.” The engine light cuts off, the engine themselves sputter and then the plane is falling. “Goddamnit. Goddamnit.” McCain hops up to find a parachute but instead finds the cabinet empty. Inside is a sticky note that says, “Replace parachutes.”

He stares at the sticky note before slowly shutting the door and strapping himself into the pilot seat.

“It’s time to ride this bull into the china shop.”

He tries his best. He pulls up hard. He puts everything he has into it. He’s closer and closer to the water. The trees are no longer small and distant. Instead they are very close and very green and he is even able to identify a group of beautiful Dogwood Jacaranda before the front of his plane slams into the still surface of the ocean and he is back in Vietnam except he is not young and flexible. Instead he is old and broken and this is not how it is supposed to happen. This is not it.

But, yes, it is. This is it. This is how you go out, John. Cold and alone. But it’s how you wanted it, isn’t it? Dying for something you believed in?

Will they ever find my body?

No. Nobody will even know you were here.

John’s body tumbles and breaks and snaps. Again.

Why didn’t the C4 pop?

Too wet.

It was his last thought.

Donald Trump watches the entire thing happen from the roof of Mar a Lago. He can’t believe his luck. He sends his troops to go retrieve whoever is flying that jet.

 

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ELON IMPRESSES HIS FRIENDS. CHAPTER 15

A VULGAR DISPLAY OF POWER

 

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In the basement of Elon Musk’s 19 bazillion dollar mansion, you’ll find his personal passion project, which he has entitled “Optimus-P”. It was scheduled to be his greatest success to date. Unfortunately, nobody currently alive would be around to witness its glory. Elon was a little bit of a nihilist and believed we were all living inside of a giant computer program so wasn’t emotionally invested in his own life ending as he simply assumed he would “respawn” elsewhere. Perhaps in a different body or a different dimension or a different plain of consciousness. Or perhaps he’d simply reboot in a different computer program. Or maybe he’d be reborn in his own body and was destined to relive his own mistakes again and again until he learned from them.

Elon pulls a lever dramatically and the basement lab begins to transform. Walls slide. Windows buckle up. Furniture flips over and folds away. Control panels roll out of the walls. A track by AC/DC starts to play over his intercom system. He designed it that way to give people watching it the chills. He understood the pleasure centers of the brain and how to make them fire.

“This is magnificent, Elon.” Michelle is truly in awe.

“I’ve just turned it on. You will see magnificence shortly. Please be sure to stay within this circle while Optimus is in operation. If you don’t, a limb could easily be torn astray from your body, resulting in death and / or dismemberment.”

Everyone absentmindedly shoves their hands in their pockets.

A timer begins counting down on the wall. It is set to 6 hours.

Elon smiles. “Prepare for blast-off.”

 

SPACEX

 

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THE TRUMPET’S LAST SUNRISE. CHAPTER 14

A VULGAR DISPLAY OF POWER

Denali National Park in autumn, Alaska, USA, North America

The Drone Army all roast hot dogs on the backs of their pick-up trucks and drink Budweiser and carry around tiki-torches. The sick are brought to the gates of Mar a Lago to be healed by Trump but he ignores their pleas and has his guards drag them away. This many pooor people made him nervous. Especially when everything he owned, including his teeth, was now plated in gold.

Trump stood on his roof staring up at the sky. He didn’t know where the missile was going to come from and he hadn’t told anyone else about it so he was currently alone. The sky was empty and, other than the smell of burning rubber coming from his parking lot and the occasional “yee-haw” followed by AR gun-fire, it was a beautiful day.

Amongst themselves the pooor people called themselves The Trumpets and they carried banners with the golden instrument drawn in marker. The end of the trumpet looked like a D.

D was for Donald. If you stood further than a few feet away though, it looked like white flags with gold penises.

There was one mass shooting amongst The Trumpets every day out in the parking lot. The tragedy was usually between 11 and 400 people. Nobody really cared. This was just the cost of owning guns.

“GUNS, GOD AND COUNTRY! IN THAT ORDER!” someone shouted.

The death toll didn’t matter. The Trumpets reproduced quickly. They were rabbits that had learned to use bullets.

But bullets were nothing compared to what was coming.

The Bullet. The Biggest Bullet. Power House.

Kim had launched the missile hours ago, initiating the launch himself with his own finger, smelling of his mother’s rich loins. The clock was ticking.

 

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Meanwhile, Bernie, Joe, Barack, Michelle and John were unloading in Bel-Air at Elon Musks personal runway. Bernie and Elon had met years back at a fundraiser being held at Mar a Lago for muscular dystrophy. Bernie had begun to tell Elon about his initial tinkerings with the iso-chamber and the young entrepreneur’s interests had become piqued. Elon had almost immediately become a fervent backer of Bernie’s “Socia-Realism Project” as he initially called it – and the two men had remained close since.

Elon greets them all with a healthy handshake. “Hello, humans. Welcome.” He eyeballs Joe for a moment. “This is the one?” Bernie nods. Elon is impressed with the individual’s craftsmanship.

Joe shakes his hand, “A sincere joy.”

“He almost seems human.” Elon.

“He almost does.” Bernie.

“I almost do.” Joe.

Elon speaks softly. “Joe, you’re almost perfect. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. And you’re more human than Donald Trump will ever hope to be. And that’s because he isn’t human at all.”

“No, he isn’t. Donald Trump is a monster in every sense of the word. He is here on our planet, in our dimension, feeding off of our people. Even if they are on the wrong side of history, they are our people. And he is taking advantage of them and he is hurting them and, even if they don’t understand it, we have to help them. Even if they hate us for it, we have to help them. Even if it’s our last hour on earth, we have to help them.” Michelle is pacing as she speaks, clapping her hands to emphasize her points. She’s really feeling passionate.

They all stand in silence and admire their last sunrise.

“It’s been an honor serving with you, gentlemen. We all have our barking orders. May God, whatever that means, be with you.” And with that, McCain boards the jet strapped with enough C4 to stop Power House or to sink Florida to the bottom of the ocean.

The group would never see each other again.

Guns blazing, John. Here we go.

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DONALD FACE-TIMES THE PSA. CHAPTER 13

A VULGAR DISPLAY OF POWER

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A stream burbles. A bird chirps. Clouds pass silently by overhead. The sun is warm. The breeze is cool. The Earth is on fire with hatred and violence.

Deep within the Garden of Serenity, Bernie Sanders, John McCain, Joe Kennedy, hosted by Barack and Michelle Obama, gather in a circle and sip tea. Barack’s head has become so swollen with human wisdom that he now has to wear an enormous brace of his own invention. Getting through doors is almost impossible and there are no pillows that are up to the challenge of cushioning his marvelous dome so he sleeps outside, in the dirt, staring up at the stars.

Currently, Barack floats inches above the grassy meadow, meditating on their next moves. He wears wireless headphones and listens to brain entrainment signals playing at 15Hz to help regulate the serotonin levels in his mind. Happiness was a garden that needed constant tending.

His head was still throbbing but it was a pain he was growing accustomed to, like an ingrown toe nail. He had accepted it.

“We have gathered here today under unfortunate circumstances,” Barack begins, feeling the old sense of excitement in giving a speech. He loved to lead – to guide the people to greater places, to bring them out of their caves and into the light. Look, he wanted to shout at them, look at yourselves! You are full of hate and stupidity and ignorance! Every one of you! You are short-sighted and idiotic. Your noisy arguments serve no purpose but to act as cotton in your own ears. Please give me silence for one moment and try to listen.

But he couldn’t say that.

That wasn’t very patriotic. That wasn’t very hopeful.

McCain cuts in. “Let’s cut the political bullshit. I want this mother fucker’s head on a spit. We are calling for justice, Barack. This is America!”

“Are you calling for justice or are you calling for blood?”

Bernie watches the match play out between the two seasoned pros. “Gentlemen, if I may-“ Bernie tries to lighten the mood.

I want his blood!” McCain screams over the gentle breeze and green grass. “I want to watch his empire crumble and I want to be the man that removes the cornerstone! Does that answer your question? Do I want justice or blood? I want his blood, Barack. I want it running down my face. I want to wear his ears on a necklace. I want to burn his body and laugh.”

Joe was new to the world but thought that McCain’s attitude seemed a little aggressive.

“When good men do nothing, evil prevails.” This was Joe. He was programmed to say smart things that other men had manufactured but not create any of his own thoughts. He rings his hands together and his Adam’s apple bobs apologetically.

Michelle stands behind Barack and begins to rub his throbbing temples, the size of dinner plates.

A silence falls over the group as they each become lost in their own thoughts. How many silences do we have left? Barack thinks to himself. How many sunsets? God, where are you in all this?

“Nowhere,” God answers plainly.

Barack assumed as much already.

Bernie and McCain exchange stories about their roots – their war histories, their war protests, their jail time and their time as prisoners.

“The words are all wrong, aren’t they?” Bernie stands up and gazes out at the breath-taking meadow.

“No borders out here, huh?”

Joe begins to say something wrought with patriotism and earnest. In a voice that sounds like he’s on the verge of passionate tears, he says, “Gentlemen. On this day we look upon our fellow man –“

Bernie cuts in. “Not now, Joe. There will be time later.” He turns to John, “He’s very excited to get going. I have very high hopes for him.”

Joe smiles respectfully. “I truly thank you, sir. Your personal endorsement for me is an absolute honor.”

“My pleasure, Joe.”

McCain throws a rock. It doesn’t go very far. His body is crumbling under the weight of time. Everything was working against him. He was just a hamster in a wheel.

“It’s the end, Bern. This is it. Democrat. Republican. Brain tumor – no brain tumor. This is it. We won’t be remembered because there won’t be anyone to remember us.”

Bernie begins shaking his head, “We need to hope. We need to believe. We need to strive for-“

“I know the messaging. I’ve been doing this for as long as you. Look at us! Old hound dogs. We’ve done this our whole lives and this is what it amounts to. I got into politics to help people. How’d it – how’d it get like this?”

“Gentlemen, if I may take a moment to interject my own subtle thoughts into the conversation? If I may,” Joe smoothly butters out. “Perhaps man’s own worst enemy is man himself. Perhaps.”

Bernie and John wait for him to say more but he doesn’t. Bernie encourages him. “That was real good, Joe. We’ll tweak you a bit but I’m proud of you. Really great try.”

Barack opens his eyes. He speaks slowly and under great intellectual labor to formulate simple enough words for his team to understand. “Michelle. Please give us a status update on our armies.”

Michelle takes the stage. She was born to lead. Her eyes and her smile shine. She walks with the posture of a warm war general.

“On-point. The LGBT arm is moving along the country back roads now and Atheists United has already begun circling around Mar a Lago after disguising themselves as Christians to get in the door. The Muslim and Immigrant battalions are already poised and ready to strike. The US military teams that have turned Rebel are also ready to publicly turn once given the signal.”

“It’s all about to happen, isn’t it? I am so saddened that it has come to this.” Barack’s voice cracks and he pauses. Shuts his eyes. A tear runs down his cheek.

Michelle’s phone bings. She glances down at it. “Trump is trying to face time me. Why is Trump trying to face time me?”

Barack: I don’t have a phone.

McCain: My phone doesn’t receive videos.

Bernie: My phone is full.

Joe: I was just invented. I don’t yet have a phone but would like to someday.

Everyone gathers around Michelle and watches in stunned silence. It was even worse than they thought.

On the other end of the line, Donald Trump, in his human form, speaks to them. Spittle, slobber, mucus and phlegm drizzle down his scabbed and irritated chin skin. His eyes are blood shot and red. Dried boogers crust his nostrils and his posture seems worse than usual. He’s wearing his skin-suit. He does that from time to time but it was starting to look like a pair of old and holey jeans. The thing they were looking at was very clearly not human. It looked like a monster in a fleshy sock with eye-holes punched out.

The video opens with the camera facing Trump, he holding the camera in his left hand. He hits the record button with his right hand pointer finger and then leaves the pointer finger fully extended and hanging in front of the camera lens for just a moment too long.

“Is it going? Yes. Okay. Men. We have some – issues. Happening. But. Together. We also have some other issues. Happening. Right now. I need to show this to you. This will. This will speak for itself. I think.”

He turns his phone towards a second phone and hits play.

“Sorry – Trump. What is this?”

“I can’t send the file because it’s too large so I have to film the screen on Paul’s phone and stream it to you like this. Can you see it okay?”

“It isn’t great.”

“Can you hear it?”

“It’ll do.”

“I’m going to hit play.”

There is silence. Then a slender and beautiful finger enters frame and hovers above play. “Are you ready?”

Sanders shouts, “Yes. Please. Go.”

The video is of Kim Jong Un. “Mister President. Allow me to make this short and to the point as I am certain that that is all the time you have.” Kim lets out a little giggle that sounds strangely like a pig squeezing out an SBD. “I have launched my secret project, nicknamed Power House. What is Power House? Power House is a planet-ending missile. And it’s heading your way right now.”

“Maniac.” Bernie slams his fist into the palm of his hand. McCain puckers his lips and breaks a stick in half.

Kim continues, “You’ll all be dead before daybreak. All of you. All of you.” He turns the phone around and gives them a quick tour of the spaceship. “You see, I’m on a spaceship. I’m up in outer space. And I have enough food and supplies to last until the end of my life. Good luck, Mister Trump. It looks like the Rocket Man took your advice. Have fun, Earthling.”

That last word hurt Donald more than any other word he’d ever had thrown at him. Earthling. This was his fault. This was all his fault. He was right. He really didn’t know what he was doing. He really wasn’t very good at this. He really was hopeless. Wells was right. Everybody was right.

But maybe there was still time. After all, a Kardashian always saves themselves. Perhaps if he could steal one of the D.I.s from The Oval Office, he would be able to run to another dimension and hide there until… well, until forever. He would have to be a runaway for the rest of his life. A rebel. Faceless. Nameless.

Non-sense. King Donald Trump, God of men and ruler of Earth could not become a beggar. There was only one way. And that was straight through. There was no running.

McCain grabs the phone and begins screaming into it, “What have you done?! What have you done, you absent-minded lunatic!

“Men. This. Is your problem now. You have very little time to solve it. Good luck.” And with that, he clicks off his phone. He wanted to get one more round of golf in before annihilation.

“Soft pecker.” McCain wishes he could pour himself a drink.

The sun sets, leaving them all in the dark. The lightning bugs make it magical. The mosquitos make the magic unbearable.

McCain’s eyes begin to get watery. “I did many terrible things to people in Vietnam. At the time, I thought those things were right and I thought I was hurting bad people. But I don’t know anymore. I don’t know who’s bad. Or who’s good. Or if there even is such a thing.”

Joe turns on the men with quivering hands. “We need a plan.”

McCain throws another rock. “Like hell we do.” It soars across the field. There was still some bite left in the dog after all. “We’ve already got one.”

The group gathers round. “Bernie, can you raise enough money to rent a private jet in the next few hours?”

“Not only can I but I will. And that is a promise to the America people. And most of them will probably donate in increments no larger than $20 and most of them will just be regular people. And we will use social media as our platform!”

McCain turns his attention to Michelle, “Are you still making C4 in the bathtub?” She nods. “Good. We’ll need as much as we can fit onto a plane.”

 

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THE EVENING NEWS. CHAPTER 12

 

A VULGAR DISPLAY OF POWER

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The distance from a simmer to a rolling boil is a close one and the course of the next week unfolds at a tremendous rate.

First, Donald Trump consumed Paul Ryan’s foreskin in front of him, as promised. Paul sat across The Oval Office, tears streaming down his face. He’d always wanted to be circumcised but not like this.

Paul, like Mike, was spineless. He didn’t have much for brains and had even less for leadership. He was easy to get on board. Afterwards, Donald called for a national television conference where he unveiled his true form. The mid-country folks rose up and cheered. The Second Coming of Christ had finally been revealed. They didn’t expect Christ to be so hideous but the Lord worked in unexpected ways. The only Christian that seemed to red-flag the situation was The New Pope. The Christians immediately tied him to a stake and burnt him alive.

He was the mouthpiece of Satan. A wolf in sheep’s clothing. He was brought in to lead the weak astray but they had solved that. And the Lord was proud of them. Donald confirmed that this was true. Amen, yes he did.

Social media exploded with memes about how Trump’s father’s name was Fred Christ Trump. The signs were all there. He was even rich – like a king – and Jesus was the King above Kings. He helped the oppressed – that’s who voted for him, after all – the oppressed white, middle-class American wheat farmers of America.

“The Son of God would be hated and scorned, oh, yes,” Pastor Joel Osteen said one Sunday morning over an offering plate filled with dollar bills. “But rest assured brothers and sisters, the path to glory and riches lie in the pages of my new book. May the Lord bless you.” And then, as he wiped a dribble of greedy spittle from his sweating lip, a picture of he and Donald Trump shaking hands was held at length on all three of the high-definition 4k projectors. Trump’s long fingers were curled around Joel’s. His infomercial finger surgery had been a stunning success and his confidence was skyrocketing. Everyone could tell.

The coastal cities tried to do something but, as usual, couldn’t quite get it together. They marched around and carried signs and shared articles on social media but the more conservatives of the bunch, the gun-toting, god-fearing, good people of America knew it for what it was. Hippie Communist Bullshit.

“We’re raising awareness,” Tina, from Los Angeles told CNN.

“You just gotta listen to The Other,” Andrew from Boston wrote in his Letter to the Editor.

The majority of people in Northern California thought that this was more “My brand is chaos” to confuse them but became increasingly concerned when Donald Trump ate George Clooney on the six o’clock news.

The scene was beautiful and earned George a post-mortem day-time Emmy.

The White House became a prison for the Democratic party. Elizabeth Warren, Al Franken, and Joe Biden were all chained in the dungeon and forgotten about. From upstairs they could hear the constant burn of the fiery loop created from the D.I.s. It burnt day and night and any Rebels or immigrants caught were ceremoniously flung into the inferno as all bystanders chanted, “To the Republic! To the Republic!” and beat their chests.

Mar a Lago became an impenetrable fortress. Trump rolled around consuming the flesh of foreigners and picking his teeth with the fractured bones of endangered species. Instead of a golf cart, he drove a stretch Hummer from hole to hole. He used hairspray just to say qink you to the environment.

Every knee would bow, oh, yes. Even Mother Earth would commit herself to his reign.

His Drone Army had begun their long Exodus to him, their savior, which he expected. They came from Nebraska and Minnesota. They came from Alabama and Iowa. They came from Utah and Wisconsin. They brought their Bibles and their guns and their hatred of evil and they were ready to kill whoever their leader told them to.
David Duke, leader of the high profile country club, the KKK, welcomed volunteers at the gates and handed out pamphlets that he had made himself using Microsoft Paint. On the cover was a picture of Donald Trump in his human form sodomizing a man that resembled Obama. People loved it. Everyone who saw it laughed. It made them feel good inside. It’s the Democrat thing. And the Muslim thing. And the gay thing. And the religion thing. And it was all rolled up into one very powerful illustrated cartoon message. Even children could understand it! And it just felt good to see that rebel spy getting what he deserved. Republicans understood that Obama caused the race wars and that Trump would stop them. Once and for all.

Duke shouts into a megaphone, “If we get rid of all other races, we can’t have race wars!”

The Westboro Baptist church stands on the sidelines with picket signs that read, “GOD HATES FAGS BUT HE HATES REBELS MORE.” David Duke fist bumps a handful of the young pros and hands out bottles of water laced with electrolytes. He’s really proud of them for standing up for something that is not very popular. It takes a lot of character to go against the social grain like this.

“God approves of this, boys. God approves of what you are doing and He is smiling down on you and He is happy and He is saying, There are my soldiers. My brave soldiers. Get some!

They slap their chests, lift their fists and exclaim, “To the Republic!”

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Everyone has goose bumps and is excited to see the apocalypse happen. Brenda from Arizona writes a Facebook post that says, “I never thought my generation would be the last. Amen and praise God.” Her friend Beth, who was also a Christian, read the post and couldn’t help but shiver. It sounded somehow suicidal.

A man in Tennessee was arrested for walking around nude. When asked why he did it he responded by saying, “The world is ending, baby. I mean, why the hell not? Why are you still watching the news?” The video was edited into a music video and also went viral. He was the world’s last viral hit.

Usage of social media during The End times (as the media was calling it) doubled. People seemed more committed to disconnecting with the awful truths of their sad realities now more than ever.

Hashtags like LastPartyOnEarth and RepentBeforeMidnight became very popular amongst the party and religious crowds respectively. #StillAVirgin was being used by both sides. The first was using it as a hookup line and the second was using it as a badge of honor. Their dual usage was causing a lot of confusion amongst members of both parties.

The murder rate also began to increase but it hit a shocking acceleration when Trump made a passing comment on Larry King about how he would give a $100 tax refund to anyone that turned in the big toe of a Rebel.

The front lobby of Mar a Lago was now adorned with toes of every color and size. They were all propped up on stands behind a thin layer of plate glass. Melania had tried to make the place feel homey by painting faces on each of them but after finishing the first 80, decided it somehow made them even more haunting.

The toe of Kathy Griffin and Meryl Streep were both in individual cases being accented by jewelry lighting. Meryl’s toe was, of course, stunning.

Melania personally thought that Toe Hall somehow smelled too clean. Like they were trying to hide how dirty it was. Synthetic pine and bacon grease.

Yes, synthetic just like you. Created for one purpose. To transmit data.

She was, as a matter of fact, sending data back to Bernie right now using her smart phone as a hot spot. She had been built with internal wifi but it had been on the fritz since that endless fire had started burning in her master’s office – Donald’s office. His name is Donald. He does not own you. You are free.

She had found Trump’s tax returns but it was far, far too late. The information was currently worthless. Not because nobody cared. Lots of people cared. It was worthless because they were all soon to be dead and utterly forgotten.

In the throne room of Mar a Lago, Paul Ryan kneels before his majesty. “Lord, the Rebels are upon us.”

Trump slides from his high backed gold plated throne that is shaped like a T and coils around Paul’s body. “Upon us how?” Donald’s wet whiskers brush against Paul’s dry lips, making him quietly retch.

Paul begins to quiver and wishes he could just die. Please, just squeeze me. Kill me. End me. I didn’t want this. The thought is finished with him wetting his pants. Donald feels the warm urine against his skin and grows pleased with himself. Fear is so… intoxicating.

“Upon us – they are – outside the walls.”

HOW!?” Trump thrusts his blubbery tentacles towards the ceiling and wails. He knocks a row of golden cups off a golden table. He tears the jawbone from Beekman and cuts Bender’s throat with it. He shoves his greasy face against Paul’s and moans into his ear. “Upon us… howwww…”

“They did a – they did an intentional social media black out. We have no idea how they planned it. Probably Sanders is behind it. It was a mislead.”

Trump lifts up his hand and sniffs his long fingers. They still smelled of lunch. “What do they want? Have they sent word?”

Paul looks down at his feet. He doesn’t want to answer.

“Do they want to impeach me?”

Paul looks up. At first he thinks that maybe Donald is joking but he then sees he’s serious. “Uh, no, sir. They don’t want to impeach you. I think they’re here to – I think they’re here to-“

“Has Lucifer arrived with his third of Heaven’s army to bring the Lord their God to his knees?”

Paul nods.

“Then let us wage war. Alert the troops.”

TRUMPGOLD

 

 

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THE ROCKET MAN PRESSES A BUTTON. CHAPTER 11

A VULGAR DISPLAY OF POWER

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High above the world, Kim Jong Un gets his hair cut by his mother. She’s just finished trimming the sides. “I would like some milk, Mommy.” She unsnaps her top and inserts her dark nipple into his eager mouth. He suckles deeply, allowing the white gold to drizzle down his gullet. “Thank you, Mommy. So sweet.”

“Nobody laughs at my little Rocket Man, do they, Kimmy?”

He pulls his mouth off her teet with an audible pop and swallows deeply. The warmth of mother’s milk swells in his tummy.

“No, Mommy.” Her breast sprays him in the face and her milk gets in his eye. He grows irritable, jumps off her lap and scowls

“Don’t be mad, Kimmy.”

He liked it when she spoke to him this way. She didn’t want him to be mad. He could control her when she was like this. Like most women, she was soft-minded.

“Kimmy, please. Is there anything I can do?”

Instead of answering, he just stands up and exits the room.

Walking down the hall he passes a great number of guards that he’s commanded to be physically shorter than he is. Because he really liked Gi, a soldier with a soft mind and a hard body, he elected to pay for him to have his legs surgically shortened. Good help is hard to find and he liked to take care of his people.

Kim enters the deck and gazes out at space. There she is. Earth. Way down there. Trump thinks Kim is building a nuclear weapon to blow up Washington. Think again. He’s building a bomb nicknamed Power House that will annihilate the entire planet. He and his crew have enough food and water on board to last them 100 years, long enough for Kim and his mama to live and die. What happens after that to his crew is of no concern to him. Everyday he wakes up and laughs selfishly, soaking his mega-ego in the fact that he would be the person to single-handedly destroy the greatest organism in our recorded history. He would not control humanity. He would utterly conquer it. He would enslave it. He would destroy it. And then he would finally be able to live fully without consequence. To be free.

Kim turns to some guy sitting in a chair. “Status Update.”

The guy in the chair responds. He doesn’t think Kim knows his name. He likes it that way. Eyes down. “Power House ready to fire, sir. Pale Blue Dot prepped for annihilation.”

This poor man did not want to destroy Earth. But neither did he want to be on Earth when it was destroyed. But what could he do now? He had often times dreamt of leading a revolution against Kim – he hated Kim’s oppressive gut – but he just didn’t think he had it in him.

In the end, he was absolutely right.

“Where is the dotard?”

“White House. Oval Office. There’s been some kind of local disruption.”

Kim stares blankly at space, expecting more. The Nameless Man continues, unsure if he’s supposed to our not. “A… fire. In the White House. People in and out.”

Kim rubs his chin and finds a dried Ramen noodle in one of his face-rolls. He picks it out and eats it, crunching it between a collection of unbrushed, tombstone shaped teeth.

“No person has ever nor shall ever again commit an act of such great atrocity as we are about to see on this day. My name shall be memorialized amongst the stars. Initiate Launch.”

“Copy. Initiating sequence.”

The Nameless Man punches a code into his keyboard and begins the complicated engagement process of launching a planet-ending weapon. At this distance it would take some time for the destructive seed to meet it and annihilate it’s womb. But Kim was patient. And he had nowhere to be.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true.

He heads back to his quarters to listen to his mom read Oh, the Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss. His fat little feet shuffle a little faster as his mouth begins to water for dairy.

KIM EARTH

 

 

 

 

 

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MIKE PENCE DOES THE FUNKY CHICKEN. CHAPTER 10

A VULGAR DISPLAY OF POWER

HILLARY1

Wells Fargo stands in front of an organic monitor. He watches Donald pace around his office. Over Wells shoulder, Hilary Clinton gazes. Her eyes are pale yellow. She has four pupils.

Hillary leans down and brushes her tongue against Wells ear. “What is he doing?”

Wells holds up his finger, silencing her. He was frustrated because he really truly did hate Donald Trump and he really truly did think the man was a complete and utter failure at life and all things he touched. And yet…

What was he doing?

How was Donald outsmarting Wells. Was he outsmarting Wells?

No. That’s non-sense. This jewel-faced biped does not have a leg-up on me. He’s just doing something so incredibly stupid that I’m not able to follow him because my intellect does not limbo that low.

“Jewel Face” was a racial slur to the Kardashian people and “biped” equated him to a humanoid, a creature of lower intelligence.

“I think he’s trying to use the Dimensional Interchange.”

I wish Hillary would stop talking. Her breath smells like iced coffee and her perfume is… sniff…raw pancake batter.

“Hillary. I don’t mean to be rude. But get away from me.”

She does so but not before hurrumphing.

She’s right. Wells thinks to himself. He did appear to be tinkering with the Dimensional Interchange.

Mike Pence walks into the room, looking like The Man in the Yellow Hat trying to chase down his naughty monkey. He’s carrying a box and looks worried. Donald nods at him. “From Russia?” Donald asks. “With love,” Mike responds.

Something about the Russia talk made Wells nervous. But even more than that was that Mike Pence actually spoke. Something was occurring. He needed to tune in.

What’s going on?

They know someone is listening.

Do they know it’s you?

They may suspect.

What’s Trump doing?

Mike turns and stands by the couch. Wells can tell he wants to sit down but assumes his hemorrhoids are still acting like crazy. He’d been watching this feed for a very long time. Wells raises his singular eyebrow. Hillary slides back into her skin suit. She’s had enough and was going to investigate this herself. Qink. She’s put her skin suit on backwards. The anal snap attaches to her pelvic bone and she squeals.

Wells leans in closer to the screen. “Donnie, what are you up to?”

Donald locks the door and exhales deeply. Wells scrunches his eyebrows. Hillary unhinges the clasp and groans a sigh of relief.

Donald opens the box and looks inside of it. A large grin spreads across his face. Too large. Too hideous. Too troubling.

Too hungry.

“Hills. Something is up. Something is happening. This isn’t right.”

Hillary shouts something in the Forgotten Tongue at him but it goes over his head. Wells failed Ancient Languages in Academy.

Donald hands Mike the Dimensional Interchange.

“This is not regulation. This is not permitted. Donald has just handed the Dimensional Interchange to a human. We need someone in there now.” Wells fumbles for his intercom and hits a code. “D.I. Alert. Pale Blue Dot. A human has access to our Dimensional Interchange. Please respond immediately.”

He tries to speak firmly but he’s fearful. Something is heading south quickly. His switchboard begins to light-up. The first responders. The real heroes.

He picks up a call. “Pale Blue Dot. The Interns name is Donald Trump. He may be armed and is extremely stupid. Please use extreme caution when handling. I believe he’s gone rogue. We’ve got a runner.”

He slams the phone down and snaps on his headpiece. “If he’s trying to make a run for it and gets captured, the punishment is…”

Hillary finishes his thought, savoring each word like a tasty little morsel. “Nationally Televised Execution.”

“Mandatory viewing. If he’s running, I hope he has a plan. And knowing him, he probably doesn’t.”

Wells puts on his headpiece. They’re in it. This is happening.

Rock and roll. Wells thinks to himself. Nothing in the 11 Dimensions can stop a Kardashian.

Outside his door he hears the troops marching past his office towards the Receiving Bay. They’ll be in The Oval Office in a matter of moments. He turns his attention back towards the monitor.

Mike Pence claps the Interchange together and the portal opens up before him.

“Is he sending Mike through? What the hell is happening? What’s in that box?”

Mike looks dumb and lost. Confused. Hopeless. Poor guy, Wells thinks to himself. He has no idea. About anything. He’s probably not even sure what he’s having for dinner tonight.

Then a horrible thought crosses his mind. Something in his intuition. Something deep inside just clicked on. All the lights turned on and he knew what was happening. It was moment’s before Donald pulled the device out of the box. Everything made sense.

The Russia talk from earlier. Something Donald mentioned about Putin and – what was it?

Oh, yes. Wells recalls clearly.

Explosives.

“You bastard.”

Wells pulls off his head-piece and begins walking out of the office, away from the Receiving Bay as quickly as he can. Hillary shouts after him but he just flips her off. Wells is going splitzo and getting the qink out of here. This is going nowhere good.

At the end of the day, a Kardashian saves themselves.

In Wells office, Hillary takes a seat in Wells chair. Hmmm. Softer than I’d prefer. She looks in the monitor and sees Donald carrying a giant explosive across The Oval Office. It looks like a giant black cartoon bomb with an iPhone duct-taped to it. In spray paint it reads DT+VP 4-eva. Mike is whiter than usual. Donald walks with the confidence of a man facing death.

He holds the bomb up to the camera and says, “I just wanted you to know it was me that did this and that I’ve known it was you watching all along. You can’t control me anymore. I’m free.” Because that’s all anybody wants. To be free.

And with that he turns and throws the bomb through the Dimensional Interchange.

“WE’RE MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! NOW, MIKE!”

Man, Mike is really clumsy. He drops the Dimensional Interchange and the trans-world door falls to it’s side. “Pick it up, you idiot Earthling!”

If Mike Pence lived through today, he would have wondered about how strange that specific insult was. Unfortunately, Mike Pence was not destined to live through this day. Not in this version of reality.

Mike panics, as he usually does, and reaches down for the left-hand Interchange switch. In doing so, he accidentally touches the back of the door. Donald didn’t tell him this because he didn’t think of if because he’s not very good at details and planning things but touching the back of a Dimensional Interchange is like throwing a fork in a toaster. A really big fork. In a really big toaster.

A sound frequency higher than what Mike’s body was typically used to shot through his organs and melted them immediately. His innards became his outers as he blew a bloody fart bubble of viscera and ruined the beautiful underwear his wife had recently bought him.

His eyes popped in his skull and his brains became jelly. His tongue swelled and popped like a fat mosquito in his mouth. His teeth shattered all at once and Donald was hit with some of the fragmentation. His skin split like an old apple on a hot day and his skeleton was left vibrating on the carpet.

His bones began to crack and collapse, turning to dust. The dust began to vaporize. And the vapor set off the fire alarms.

This is going all wrong.

The sirens in both the 3rd and 11th Dimensions begin to wail.

What have I done?

No going back now!

Don’t you keep a quantum-revolver in your drawer?

Usually. But it’s out in my $250,000 sports car.

Okay. Think fast. The Art of the Deal!

Donald grabs the Interchange switches just as he hears a distant eruption. The bomb has gone off 11 dimensions up. No time to think. A Kardashian saves himself.

He pulls out the Dimensional Interchange he’d stolen earlier from Wells’ office. Yeah, you didn’t know about that. That’s what stealing something looks like. Donald may not have been a smart man, but there was a thing or two he’d picked up cheating his way through Academy.

DONALD PENCE

In his Introduction to Dimensional Interchange course, he and a couple of his fraternity brothers were tasked with taking their D.I.’s down to 5-Points (what the cool kids called the fifth dimension) to do some bullshit maintenance for something or the other.

Donald and Frank were good friends but Harold was an eggy-colored Kardashian kid that had been paired with them. He was an alright student and a nice enough guy. Truth be told, he was even kind of funny. Donald and Frank just didn’t like him because he was eggy-colored. Eggy-colored people tended to be a little… different. The way they spoke. The food they ate. Donald had even heard that some of the eggy-colored people cut half their child’s genitals off at birth. These tales disturbed him greatly and made him hold eggy-colored people at a safe distance.

In certain regions of the fifth dimension, if you knew the right kinds of creatures and just where to look, you could find an illegal substance called Godplex, which was a drug that caused the illusion of time-stopping. You inhaled it and the side-effects were instantaneous. The truth is the effects only lasted for less than five minutes but within the high, it feels like centuries. The moons and the suns fire through the sky. People around you grow old and die. Mountains are erected. Icons are destroyed. Species evolve. It is a really freaky experience.

One weekend Donald, Frank and Henry got a hold of a suitcase filled with the stuff and lost their minds. They were gone for eons. They were punch drunk on power hour. Their brains were fried and the fronts of their shirts were covered in vomit.

The three of them lying on their backs, staring up at the sparkling sky, Donald says to his group, “Frank. I really like you. I’m glad we’re friends. Henry. I really like you too. I just wish you weren’t so damned eggy-colored. I’d like you a whole lot more if you were more like me.”

As usual, Henry was silent. He wasn’t really sure how to address this obvious racism with his friend. Sometimes it was best to just stay silent and not rock the boat. He remembers a story about his uncle being hanged many decades back.

Boy, I’m just happy I’m not being beat up and killed by these two. Maybe I should just be happy!

Meanwhile, Donald was thinking to himself, You know? There was a time when my relatives would have beat up and killed this little Egger! The term “egger” was also a local racial slur. I’m pretty civilized by comparison. This guy is pretty lucky to be friends with a swell guy like me, Donald congratulates himself.

A bit later Henry had dozed off while Donald and Frank had stayed awake late into the night, discussing how much they hated their fathers and how really, all they wanted was for someone to be proud of them.

The two young men eventually grew bored of each other’s company and turned towards entertaining themselves in other ways. At first they began by drawing a picture of an enormous penis on Henry’s jawline, making it look like the tip was just about to be inserted into his mouth. On his forehead, like a crown of thorns, they inscribed “EGG”. They were going to write “EGGER” but then realized they had been writing too big and didn’t have enough room.

Both men just laugh.

Then they escalate it a bit. A lot actually. They escalate it quite quickly.

Frank tells Donald that he knows a way to jail-brake his Dimensional Interchange so that their two D.I.s could be tied together into a kind of space-loop. It was like a bug in the system. Frank snickers and shows Donald how to make it work.

They open up one portal and lie it flat on the ground. Then they open up the other portal and prop it against a tree. Then they pick up Henry by his arms and legs and carry him to the Floor-Door. He starts to wake up just before they toss him in.

“What’s going on? What’s going on?” He struggles to get free but Donald and Frank have him too tightly. “What’s going on!?

The men release their friend and he falls through the door with a scream. Moments later he is thrown from the Tree-Door and rocketed back towards the Floor-Door. Donald and Frank both cheer and laugh as they watch Henry get thrown in a large loop.

After the 15th or 16th pass, Donald asks, “How do we get him out?” Harold’s screams were really starting to bother him now. They sounded unnatural, like he was choking.

“I think we just shut one off.” Franks heads towards the Tree-Door and clips the Dimensional Interchange or D.I. together. In his intoxicated state he doesn’t time it properly and cuts Harold’s legs off as the portal slices shut. Harold spends the rest of his life in a wheelchair.

Well, at least they didn’t hang me, was something he thought to himself quite often. He also never spoke to a Kardashian of Donald’s color ever again.

Back in The Oval Office Donald attempts to re-work this school-boy prank gone horribly awry into a political coup. He stacks the doors in front of each other and props them up.

This should stop them from getting through.

It was a shame that Mike had passed on. That really wasn’t necessary and certainly wasn’t part of whatever loose plan Donald did have. Mike could have been useful. It was always nice to have a lapdog that you could kick around or a stress ball to squeeze.

The explosion is enormous and Donald feels it in his liver. He shoves his considerable body weight against the door as the fire and screaming rips through Door-A and makes an instant connect with Door-B. A tunnel of fire is formed from one side of The Oval Office to the other. It is truly a sight to behold.

For a moment Donald thinks he hears the sounds of Hillary Clinton and yes, he would be right. She had entered the Receiving Bay just as the explosion came through and was incinerated in a matter of seconds. The last thought to cross her mind was, “Bill is a wonderful saxophone player.”

On the 3rd Dimension, in The Oval Office, the Secret Service, namely Agents Bender and Beekman, kick in the door, guns drawn, black sunglasses on.

“Freeze, mother fuckers!” Bender begins firing wildly into the room at nothing in particular. Beekman is too awestruck by the fire-nado to respond.

Donald turns on the men. “Today you shall both sit at my right hand!” And with that he reaches up and unhinges his face. The time had come. He wasn’t expecting it to happen like this but he knew instinctually that it was now or never. Like a virgin on her wedding night, Donald reveals his true and terrible form to the men. “BEHOLD. The Trumpet sounds.”

A great black squid thing gyrates through the face-hole of Donald Trump’s skin suit, tearing at the mouth and eye sockets, screaming for eternal freedom from the simple illusion. Black tentacles slap at the ground, moistening the carpet. A thin membrane covers his body, holding back his amorphous form, his gelatinous shell, his oozing, translucent life-blood. The face of a depressed mollusk bites and gasps at the air, forming hissing words.

Donald stretches out and moans.

Both men drop to their knees.

“Every knee shall bow. Sanders. McCain. Rocket Man.”

“How can we serve you, Master?”

Master. Yes. He liked the sound of that.

“First. Bring me the foreskin of Paul Ryan. I’d like to chew on it while I discuss our future partnership together.”

The two men immediately exit without speaking another word.

It had begun.

 

DONALD SQUID

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SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED. CHAPTER 9

A VULGAR DISPLAY OF POWER

MICHELLE

 VERMONT

In a first floor bedroom of an old ranch-style home, a red rotary phone rings. A woman named Penelope picks it up. “Hello?”

A voice that smiles comes across the line. It is sunshine on a cold day. “Hello, Penelope. This is Michelle.”

“Hello, Michelle. How can I help you?”

Penelope’s hands had begun to sweat. She was hoping this wasn’t who she thought it was. She was hoping this was a different Michelle. She was hoping this wasn’t the call. She was hoping that the secret code wasn’t about to be spoken.

“Yes. This is Michelle with the PSA – the Public Service Association. Would I be able to schedule a meeting to discuss some of the wonderful opportunities we have coming up?”

Penelope is silent. Her mouth goes dry. Her eyes go dry. She coughs and her throat cracks.

“I would be. I would be very much. Yes. Thank you.”

She hangs up.

“Who was that, my little Vermont walnut?” Bernie walks out of the kitchen eating a tapioca pudding cup with his finger. “Pen?” He looks at her face and instantly knows that it’s time to release his secret invention.

It was time to unleash Joe Kennedy on the world.

He was also going to put in a call to a very close friend in Bel-Air.

 

WASHINGTON

McCain sits on the edge of his bed, curling seventy-five pound weights in each hand. His body is sagging muscle. He stares into the mirror, allowing his eyes to drift down his aging body.

What happened to you, Johnny?

You know what it was. The Bitch-Triplets. Age. Time. Death. They’re unstoppable. Sisters. You’re a rotten piece of fruit. Every dog has its day. You think you were going to escape them forever? Hell, son. You almost did, didn’t you? Gave ‘em hell in Hanoi and you’re damn proud of it. What you did was heroic. You walked into the lion’s den and told the lion to sit down and shut up. I’m coming for you, Trump. I am coming for you hard.

Sweat runs down his face and he tastes the salt on his lips.

“You don’t need to be remembered, John. But they will remember you. They will write about you in the history books. They will burn your name in lights. You will be a hero once again. You will show a second generation what it looks like to be a good man.”

His phone rings. It’s a Motorola Razor. The buttons are easier to press with his old hands and snarled knuckles than the newer touch screen smart phones. He doesn’t recognize the number, which is strange because he has over 1,000 numbers memorized ranging from Harry’s Pizza to Donald’s cell phone.

There’s one number he wouldn’t recognize. There is one number.

He flips it open and holds it to his ear. Says nothing.

“This is Michelle with the PSA –“

“I’ll be there.”

He clicks it shut and keeps pumping iron.

BERNIE MCCAIN

 

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BARACK OBAMA HAS AN OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. CHAPTER 8

A VULGAR DISPLAY OF POWER

U.S. President-elect Senator Barack Obama waves to supporters during his election night rally in Chicago

In a garden overflowing in abundance of colorful fruits and blooming flowers, Barack Obama sits crossed-legged and naked, deep in meditation. A doe walks past him, unperturbed. A butterfly lands on his forehead, kisses him, and flutters off.

Barack blesses the creature before returning to his internal struggle. There is an emotional war waging inside of him as he attempts to process his pain and anger. Not only the pain and anger of the current president slowly dismantling his life’s work but also pain at the state of the human race.

Teach them to breathe. Teach them to speak. Teach them to love.

They all want to scream and fight and shoot guns.

But there is hope for them.

 No, there isn’t.

There is. The coasts are rising up. The Rebels are sparking flames. People are waking up. Someone just needs to give them voice.

He looks deep inside of himself and tries to understand Donald Trump. How does this man work? What motivates him?

His eyes are closed. He breathes deeply. He feels his core energy leave the physical realm and transcend to the Upper Realm. In the Upper Realm he looks around. It’s beautiful here. An ocean of calm. His senses have been removed. His ego has been replaced. All that exists are his thoughts. Like an arrow, they follow a very intentional path. He does not allow them to wander.

He pulls Donald’s essence to mind and reaches through the Upper Realm, seeking him out. There. He pulls him close and finds Donald’s true form. He sheds away Donald’s ego. His sharp words. His insults. His bombastic personality. His smug demeanor. He keeps digging. Peeling away. He strips back the macho peacocking and the objectification of women. He pulls back the need to be right and to have the last word. He peels back more layers, exposing him, leaving him naked and cold.

Where are you? Barack thinks to himself. What is the true Donald?

He peels back layers past mocking the handicapped and name-calling world leaders. He pulls back the need to respond quickly instead of smartly. He pulls back his strange haircut. He pulls back his skin. He pulls back his short finger complex. He pulls back his inhuman sneer. And underneath all of it, what does he find?

What is this?

Floating in The Pool of the Collective Conscious, he finds something very interesting indeed. He finds the truth. He stands above Donald, gazing down on him. He stands in the center of an auditorium. Everyone despises him. Barack feels the hatred the world casts at him. He feels the fear that Donald fears. He feels the missing love of an unloved child. He feels Donald’s need for approval. He feels Donald’s need for acceptance. He feels Donald’s need for validation. He begins to understand him more.

And then.

A horrific and striking revelation. The psychic floor drops out and Barack is thrown through a multi-dimensional maelstrom. His Energy Bubble is blown from his body and rocketed sideways through reality by the cosmic winds. His mind expands and contracts, breaking and changing his neurological pathways. His frontal lobe swells and bursts, splitting in two. His brain evolves 10,000 years in a matter of moments. His gray matter squeezes against the inside of his cranium and he screams out in pain.

But it’s a pain that he knows he must bear.

This is his place. This is his role. A leader never truly retires.

Barack opens his eyes, snapping out of his meditative trance.

Michelle has just approached. She has tea and a Three Musketeers candy bar. “Are you okay, sweetheart? Your head is three times the size it was when I saw you last.”

He reaches up and touches his tender skull. It is indeed engorged.

“Donald Trump is an alien from another dimension. He wants to take control of our planet and rule it as god. I’ve been thrown through a multi-dimensional maelstrom and have gained the greatest understanding of mankind known to any living creature.”

Michelle nods, “Okay. Well, you know I support you in all of your activities. How can I help?”

Obama exhales deeply. He was hoping it wasn’t going to come to this.

“We need to assemble.”

Michelle begins to stand up, to take the next steps. She knew what it meant. Barack reaches up and grabs her thigh. Her… upper thigh. She looks at him with a raised eyebrow. “Why don’t you sit down? Let’s enjoy this tea and chocolate. Who knows how long we have left?”

She smiles at him, sits down and curls her head into his lap. She loved this man. He would do whatever was needed to save the people. He was a good man. He was a hero. He saw the people and he wanted to help them.

He was brave.

And he was going to help make America great again.

BARACK3

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NORTH KOREAN POCKET ROCKET (made in the USA). CHAPTER 7

A VULGAR OF POWER

KIM

Over the course of the next few months the following scene plays out . . .

North Korea, hungry to take a seat at the Big-Boy Table of the world, continues to assemble nuclear weapons.

Trump, hungry to feed his ego and struggling with a lack of vocabulary, ability to articulate cohesive thoughts and still operating under the understanding that he hates himself and doesn’t know what he’s doing, decides to try the same tactics he did with the Americans. He would just bully Kim.

First, he starts with global threats.

“North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States. They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen,” he said, with his arms crossed and his lips a little pouty on national television. He looked a little like Augustus Gloop from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Kim heard this and thought to himself, What is the biggest fire and fury the world has ever seen? He pictures the time when the United States dropped their own nuclear bomb on Japan and murdered a great number of babies and then wrote their history and called the atrocity against mankind justice so that they could sleep at night. That was pretty fantastic.

So then, Kim thinks to himself. Donald Trump is going to drop a nuclear bomb on me? On my country? On my people? I am the Supreme Leader of North Korea! I have to put up my defenses! Our nuclear program will now be doubled! Only I can effect nuclear weaponry on the Korean people! 

Trump then called Kim a “smart cookie.” Nobody really knew what it meant. Even Trump. Then he told Kim (over Twitter) that his previous comment about fire and fury really wasn’t tough enough.

Then one night, pacing wildly around the oval office Trump threw his fist in the air and screamed “ROCKET MAN!” He turns to Pence, points at him and says, “That’s it!”

Pence nods and leaves the room. He doesn’t know where he’s going. He just knows that he doesn’t want to be involved with Trump.

Ah, Pence was the perfect choice for VP. He’s weak. He has no spine. He’s easy to control. He has no real ideas or value of his own. He’s a blank piece of paper that I can write on as I see fit. VP Vanilla.

Trump then tweeted at Kim and began mocking him publically, referring to him as Rocket Man. This was an old trick. In fact, when Trump was in elementary school he wore a sweater with a rocket on it. On that day he stood up in front of the class to give a report on what he did over summer vacation. During the report, one of the lines was, “And I met a wonderful girl named Sarah.”

Donald really was infatuated with Sarah that summer. She was beautiful and from Ireland. She had an accent and red hair. It was the first time he ever felt something that resembled love. She was his very first pussy grab. It was magical.

During the speech, the worst thing possible happened to him. The worst thing possible that could happen to a young boy in a class. He got an erection. He couldn’t control it. He didn’t want it. He wanted to run and sit down but he couldn’t. It just grew and swelled up in his pants like a hideous, fleshy balloon.

The front row saw it first. Then the second row. Then the whispers started. Then the teacher said, “Donald?”

He already knew what was happening. He was starting to shake.

Then Chuck the Duck, a total piece of shit that used to sit in the back of the class and make quacking noises shouted out, “Nice boner, Rocket Man!” and then the entire class began to laugh. And laugh. And laugh.

The last thing he heard as he ran from the room and down the hall was Chuck screaming after him, “Got a rocket in your pocket, Rocket Man!”

Donald never came back to that school. Later in life he hired a hit man to have everyone in his class murdered. Except for Chuck. Chuck is now sitting in a hole somewhere. In the dark. Donald left him a long piece of rope and a book on how to make knots. If he wanted to kill himself he was going to have to learn how to do it first. A jar of creamy peanut butter was dropped down the hole on the first of every month. Chuck hated creamy peanut butter. He liked the chunky kind.

Donald smiles.

Rocket Man.

Yes.

He grabs his phone and begins composing an official tweet from the Twitter account of The United States of America. It reads:

Asked how Rocket Man is doing. Long gas lines forming in North Korea. Too bad!

Kim Jong Un, ie Rocket Man, calmly and professionally responded to Trump’s throw-away insult with:

Action is the best option in treating the dotard who, hard of hearing, is uttering only what he wants to say.

 This last phrase infuriated Donald. It infuriated him because he didn’t know what a dotard was and he had to go google his own insult. He thinks to himself, I’ll give it to that smart cookie, that was a good burn. Let’s see how good his burn is when I drop a bomb of fire on his qinking fat face.

So then two world leaders, both who go to the same shitty barber and both who go to the same shitty prep schools and both who learned their same shitty people skills from the same shitty wild mountain goats and both who were born to money and who both have no idea what it is like to be “normal” discuss the fate of our planet over a digital playground in an adult name-calling match.
Trump has finally become Chuck the Duck and Kim has finally become his own version of his childhood bully, a girl by the name of Jeong Rang. Man, she was evil. She’s currently sitting in a hole somewhere as well.

The sad truth is that if Trump and Kim got into a room together, they would actually find that they were more in common than they were different. They both wanted world domination and they were both incredibly short sighted and lacked self-awareness. They were both, collectively, two of the most incapable leaders the world had seen in recorded history. But if they got together, their stupidity would be completely unstoppable.

“It’s time to elevate this. Our time is now,” Donald says to an empty Oval Office.

Empty except for the camera. And whoever was watching on the other side.

Everyone answers to someone.

800

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